Final Beach Trip in NC before moving

Below are pictures of Dusty and kids' final trip to Wilmington, NC beach before we moved. Very beautiful!

A Job

Dusty found a job doing seasonal warehouse work at a local distribution center here. He had orientation last week during the day and then had his first "day" of graveyard shift last night. He worked a 12 hour shift and got home at 7 AM today and crashed in bed. The kids said he looked like he had been beat up. He is working 3 12-hour shifts on Sunday, Monday and Tuesday nights.

We are very grateful that he was able to find a job to help support our family. We also remain hopeful that he will find a permanent job where he will be able to better utilize his skills and education.

Doctrine and Covenants 121:7 My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment

My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment (Doctrine and Covenants 121:7)

I want to thank those individuals who responded to my previous post/cry for help. We appreciate the phone calls and the comments and thoughts on our behalf. I sometimes wonder if blogging is dangerous as one can certainly air a bunch of 'bad laundry' on a blog. I also feel sheepish that we weren't strong enough to just call our friends and family and tell them how things were really going in our life. Nonetheless, you all now know everything about our current state in life:)

That being said, Dusty's dad, Gayle, commented on our post and what he said had a strong impact on Dusty. Last night for family home evening Dusty felt inspired that we should watch the Joseph Smith movie that is playing at the Legacy Theater at the Joseph Smith Memorial Building in Salt Lake City, Utah. And as we watched this movie about our beloved prophet and were reminded about the suffering and tribulations that he, as well as the saints, endured, I was humbled. I started taking notes every time I felt the Spirit. I better understand now that our current circumstances shall be but a moment in the grand scheme of things. I also feel humbled because I have so many more things to be grateful for than what I thought I did. The saints suffered intensely; they worked together, cried together, lived together, sometimes under the same roof, nursed each other back to good health and loved each other. I realize that as the saints relied on each other that Dusty and I need to rely on the saints of today for support. We need to eat that slice of 'humble pie' and ask for help if we need it. It is a hard thing to ask for help. We remember times living here before when we helped others who were in need at Christmas time. I remember how great we felt helping them and seeing them smile. And now, we are in the same shoes that the family was in that we helped. It is a hard thing to swallow your pride and let go of the fact that you were once making x amount of dollars and could help others and to now accept the fact that you are making a smaller x amount of dollars and that you now need help. But I know that this is the Lord's church and that he has set it up to help us in time of need.

I am so grateful for the kind reprimand from my father-in-law reminding me that we are not the only individuals without work or going through a hard time. Both Dusty's parents have been out of work for quite some time. Dusty's mother has been looking for work and has not been able to find anything. Both his mother and father are now driving school buses. I am sure this is not their dream job, nor is it bringing in all the money that they need or deisre. I haven't heard them complain and I need to remember that there are many others in similar situations as Dusty and I.

I apologize if I offended our friends and family by saying we didn't want to hear about your lives. In fact, we hardly hear from anyone as it is, so to say that would mean we were in complete darkness about those we care about.

During the movie last night Joseph commented that 'sometimes the Lord brings us lower so that he can raise us higher'. It really struck me that this is the case for us. The Lord has brought us lower so that he can raise us to an even better place. I feel very impressed that I needed to realize that although I am doing righteous things and am reading my scriptures, having family prayer and scripture reading, holding regular family home evening, etc. that there may still be more that I can do to bring myself closer to God and to recognize him in my life. After all I am home resting for 6 weeks not able to do much at all. But I can read and pray and draw closer to the Lord. If I need to pray all day, I will. Which reminds me that I should always have a prayer in my heart.

I know that without the bad there could be no good and that right now things seem really bad, but when the good comes we will be able to better recognize it and thank the Lord for our blessings. This earth life is a test for us. We knew that it would be hard and we knew that we would be tested, but not beyond our limits. So that leads me to trusting in the Lord and in His plan for our family. I will do so humbly; I must.

Thank again to everyone who reached out to us. We are truly grateful to each of you.

No offense to anyone reading this, but life really sucks right now. We, both Dusty and I, feel like every one's life is going WAY better than ours is right now. Now, this is not a pity me post (well maybe it is). Let me just lay out how things are going right now.

1. I just had major surgery
2. Dusty can't find a job
3. Dusty is depressed because of #2
4. We aren't making enough to make ends meet (i.e. rent, food, utilities)
5. Our kids need things that we cannot afford for them right now....regular kid things like pants that aren't too short because the child hit a growth spurt
6. I am now on hormones so that I don't go in to menopause, yet I can't stop crying
7. Dusty and I are now depressed because of #2 #5 and #6 (OK, well all of them make us depressed)
8. Our landlord is driving us nuts!!!!!!!!!!!

This list really could go on and on, so I am going to quit listing everything so that I don't fall into a deeper depression that I already am.

Here's what I don't understand.

Why do some people get so much when they are not righteous and why are we suffering so much despite our righteous efforts (scripture reading, prayer, family home evening, etc.)?

I see people around us and in our lives, some whom we are fairly close to who don't necessarily do things the Lord would be proud of and they continue to "have it all". WHY?

Dusty is busting his butt trying to find a job and here's what I don't understand.

Why was the Lord so insistent that we move back here? Both Dusty and I knew and felt God tell us that we needed to move back here to Sidney. We love it here and we know this is where we are to raise our children. We were very blessed that I found a job that relocated us here. And I have a fantastic job. My boss is the best ever. The people I work with are truly such caring individuals. They have sent cards to me, brought in meals and have said lots of prayers for me. Anyhow, we are just struggling with what the Lord's plan is. I guess we had unrealistic expectations moving here. We thought it would be easy for Dusty to find a job at Cabela's but our experience has been the opposite. I am starting to wonder why we even went in to debt for his Bachelor's Degree if it is apparently worthless to any employer he meets with. Furthermore, his experience seems to be overlooked as well. Each employer tells him that they have hired someone else for the job but that with his experience and education he will certainly find something soon. How much longer do we need to wait? He is at the point where he is looking for hourly jobs...anything to provide for us until he can find a salaried job where he can use his "education and experience". Living here in a small town can be very difficult if the only major employer in the community won't hire you. WHY? We have been told that Dusty left on good terms and that he is re-hireable but nothing has come to fruition. He is at the point where he feels like a nuisance to them. Bitterness, depression, anger, frustration, sadness, worry is what we are dealing with. I just don't understand. This entire time I have been holding it together and have tried to remain positive, but I am at my breaking point. It's probably the hormones and the stress of just having surgery. I haven't blogged in ages because I honestly had nothing positive to say about our life. I don't even look at my friends blogs anymore because their lives are so much better than ours (sorry friends and family...hopefully you take it as a compliment that we are so impressed with how your lives are going). I feel like everyone else is passing us by while we sit here poor and pathetic. We took a huge pay cut to come here and it has been extremely difficult for us to adjust to living off less than half of what Dusty used to make. We have so many goals and cannot do anything to achieve them right now. We want to own a house, we want to pay off all of our medical bills that are hurting our credit (this is a touchy one for me because I am the major contributor to our medical bills and feel responsible. I know I haven't had control over my health problems and hopefully with this last surgery my problems will be solved, but I still feel like I am the one to blame). I also feel at fault for being the first one to bring up moving back to Nebraska. I felt it first; I felt the promptings from the Spirit as I was praying and knew that we needed to move back. It took Dusty longer to realize it but we both finally heard and listed to the Lord. But I still feel like I took him away from a great job where he was respected, liked, successful and brought him here to a place where all he feels is rejection. How many doors can one person have shut in their face? But we are supposed to be here. Dusty had a break down yesterday. The poor man keeps everything inside. He is trying to be strong and take care of me and the kids and do all the housework and cooking and also trying to find a job. He feels like he is not doing his manly duty and providing for our family. I have continued to remind him that I have a job and that at least one of us is working. But I also completely understand his feelings. He doesn't want to see his kids go without, but he has to. We thought we were being humble and waiting patiently but our patience is wearing thin.

Now I also recognize and realize that there are good things in our life too. I'm going to list them below just so I can look back at this pathetic post and read them when I start feeling bad again.

1. I had surgery that will help me to stop hurting
2. I never have to have menstrual cramps again (woot, woot!)
3. Alexis is finally happy and likes school again
4. We are back in a FANTASTIC ward that really cares about us
5. We have beautiful sunsets to look at every night
6. Dusty just got called as the CubMaster, a perfect calling for him!
7. We have a roof over our head
8. I have a job
9. The UTES kicked BYU's buttocks!! 54 to 10....need I say more?


After saying all of this, let me warn a few of you who read this.

~DO NOT call my husband and joke with him about working a warehouse job or at the local gas station. He is being plenty hard on himself and doesn't need your help in feeling any more worse due to the fact that he is already at his lowest right now.

~DO pray for us.

~DO call us if you know of someone who is hiring where we live. (we are not moving anywhere. We are going to stick this out because this is where the Lord wants us to be)

~DON'T call us to gloat about how great your life is or how much money you are making (we do care, but right now we just can't bear to hear about it. When we are done wallowing in self pity we will be SUPER happy for you, but not right now).

~DO know that we are not trying to be rude but at this time we are going through a crisis and we are sorry if we sound bitter and rude.

I am also starting a new blog. The new blog will be more about my thoughts on things and we will leave this blog to tell you about how excited our life is! More to come on the new blog...I have the name but haven't created it yet.

Surgery

Most of our life as of lately has been consumed by my health problems. Since we moved here I have had nothing but problems with my health, specifically female issues. I have had uncontrollable bleeding and lots of pain. After a 3 week period we decided along with my doctor to perform a hysterectomy. This takes us to last Thursday, September 8th. The procedure was performed laproscopically with the removal of the uterus through the vagina. Doing the hysterectomy this way, rather than the old way of doing a big lateral or horizontal incision across the entire stomach, helps recovery go faster and minimized hospital time and time down. They also removed my remaining ovary (my right ovary was removed in 2007). I will be on hormone replacement therapy for a long time. I wear a patch that provides me estrogen. Let's just say I am not sure it has kicked in yet because I sure have been crying a lot! I stayed one night in the hospital and then came home to rest. I am off work for 4 to 6 weeks to recover. We were blessed to have my mother and her husband come out to visit for a few days while I was in the hospital. Thank you to both of them for hanging out with us and helping with the kids.

So, I am currently drugged up and horizontal most of the time. I am required to walk 3 times daily for 15 minutes each time. We joke that Dusty "walks" me. Really he lets me hold on to him and hobble like a granny down the walking trail by our house and back. I am sure it is the highlight of his day! With the kids in school and Dusty not working we have the opportunity to hang out all day. Though I don't think I'm much fun passed out on the bed. But hey, maybe I am more fun to tease that way because I don't remember a dang thing afterward.

So, more to come. I just didn't want you to think we had fallen off the face of the earth.

The Things That Come Out Of Emma's Mouth (And Dusty's)

So, Emma was being grumpy tonight and this is a conversation that she and Dusty had.

Dusty: "You sure are grumpy. Sounds like someone is going to start their period" (jokingly.)

A few seconds go by....

Emma: "Nope. I just checked and I'm not bleeding from my vagina"!

I had to bury my head in the pillow I was laughing so hard. And yes, she does know what that is at age 6. Her mother is currently having lots of issues in that area and so she is well educated as to what it means to be a girl (the joys!!!).

Life Since North Carolina

What has our life been like since we left North Carolina?

BUSY!!!

I left NC on May 15th and started my new job on May 16th. I am the Executive Assistant to the Executive Vice President and Chief Administrative Officer of Cabela's. This is where both Dusty and I worked before Dusty took his job with The Pantry in North Carolina. I am working with many of the same people I did before in HR and everyone has been very welcoming to me.

Dusty and the kids stayed in NC until May 26 when I flew out to make the drive back to NE with them. We drove a lot!! But it was nice to be with the family after being apart for so long. Our kids are really good travelers so we had no issues. We stopped and toured church sites in Nauvoo, IL and Winter Quarters, Nebraska. Winter Quarters was very spiritual for me and I was so overcome by how much the Saints endured.

We arrived in Sidney on Memorial Day and then spent that entire week living in the hotel until our 'stuff' arrived.

The next week Dusty left for Utah to visit family and attend his brother's family sealing in the Salt Lake Temple. He stayed to help his Dad remodel the basement bathroom and hung out at his parents with the kids. They drove home a week later only for us to get a call while he was coming home that his dad was in the hospital. His dad had the 'flu' almost the entire time they were visiting and they finally took him to the doctor that day and ended up admitting him. His dad was put in ICU. Dusty wished that he was still there to help.

But it was a good thing Dusty came home because the night he got home I woke up around 4 AM in horrible pain and had to go to the ER. We were in the ER for over 8 hours while they ran tests, an MRI, x-rays, basically everything they could think of. They finally determined that my left ovary was 5 times the normal size and my abdomen was filled with blood and fluid. They sent me home wiht pain pills and an appointment with the OB in Scottsbluff the next day.

So Dusty and I go to Scottsbluff the next day. I am all drugged up and in pain. And they tell us that the hospital in Sidney told us the wrong day and that my appointment wasn't until the next day. They were very nice though and actually pulled my doctor out of surgery to come up and see me. He was very tempted to just do a hysterectomy right then but he determined that I had an infection from the hysteroscopy I had done in NC right before I came out to NE. So he put me on an antibiotic to get rid of the fluid infection in my abdomen. He also put me on birth control pills to try and control my ovary. The lining of my uterus was so thick that they were really concerned. Anyhow, I ended out of work for 3 days and rested for 5. It has been slow-going for me but I am feeling better. Dusty has been a trooper taking care of EVERYTHING.

I went to the doctor yesterday for a follow-up and will go back in another month for him to check me. He is not ready to do a hysterectomy yet, so we wait and hope that the pills will help.

We have had amazingly strong hail storms here. They have produced a ton of damage on roofs, cars, trees, etc. Luckily, we have not been affected. But it really has been crazy weather. We can usually count on a thunderstorm every night.

Dusty is still looking for a job. He hasn't found the right one yet but we are hopeful and remain faithful that he will find the right one.

The kids are loving their new found freedom of living in a small town and having the park right across the street from our house. Currently they are doing a city road project on the road we live on and have blocked off the usually busy road in front of our house. It is blocked off right at our driveway. Dusty and I have loved sitting on the porch and watching the kids ride their bikes and scooters out into the road and back down the driveway. They love this freedom! It is like living on a dead-end road. They say the road will be closed for about 40 days and I am loving it

We decided to throw a July 4th BBQ. We invited a bunch of people from church that we don't know. Though we lived here before and still know many there is about half of the ward that we don't know. They went through a re-org while we were gone as well as there have been a lot of new families move in. So we decided to invite em all over to get to know them. Alexis is very excited about it and is helping plan everything from music to decorations.

Emma's glasses broke last week. They brok right in half. So she is wearing her old pair. All 3 kids go to the eye doctor this week, so she won't have to be in the old ones long.

Our bunk beds were broke my the movers as well as many other items. Right now Alexis is sleeping on a camping cot in the girl's room until they send us a check to buy new ones.

Dusty has a "man cave" in the basement and is in heaven!! He set it up with surround sound and everything. I finally hung some pictures on the wall today.

Dusty and I have been sucked in to the series LOST. We don't have DirecTv or Dish Network. We only have a subscription to Netflix. So we pick a series and watch the entire show, all seasons. Our current obsession is LOST. I never wanted to watch it before when it was on the networks but I can't get enough of it now.

My birthday is this coming week. I'm not really excited. As I get older each birthday feels less and less significant and more like any other day, which is o.k. with me. You know what I mean?

They gave us a calling in the nursery here. Nursery again?? Apparently it is hard to keep people in the nursery and when they heard us mention that we served in the nursery in NC and actually liked it they jumped at the chance (at least this is my theory). We are in there about every other week on a rotating schedule.

We have been fixing the kid's bikes a lot lately. They have been riding EVERYWHERE and their bikes have decided to take a stand (no pun intended).

Right now, the entire family is sitting in the living room watching Labrynth, a movie that they all LOVE!!

It's nice to see my family hanging out!

Bye for now.

Oh yeah, before we left NC we had new family pictures taken. I'll post more of them soon.